Can we actually love the people who hurt us?
I am desperately trying to figure this out (& what does forgiving them look like?)
When did I stop thinking my parents were the coolest ever?
This question came to mind as I made some makeshift nachos one Monday night after a hard conversation with my mom
I used to adore them wholeheartedly, what changed?
I moved back home last June when I got let go of my job unexpectedly and my parents, without questions asked, opened their home to me.
What a saving grace honestly.
I struggle with depression & losing this job that I thought I would have for a while sent me spiraling into the deepest depressive episode I had ever known. Not fun.
I was really grateful to have a place to go but I was also scared out of my mind, which led to my parents being very scared too.
Seeing their daughter in a quasi-suicidal state was difficult for them & they often reacted out of fear when talking to me about my mental health.
I came to understand that we saw things very differently and that our world views in a lot of ways, are not the same.
This was difficult for me.
Especially since the majority of our conversations left me feeling severely misunderstood.
And as someone who has pretty much coined loving = understanding + acceptance, it’s been hard to feel like they love me, if they don’t get me.
This of course, has put me on the defensive & also acting out of fear, which doesn’t help anyone either.
I think about this one sacrament meeting I attended in Seattle where the bishop got up & said how much he loves the little children in primary & how as adults, we may sometimes wonder if we are as lovable. He then assured us that to God, regardless of age, we are all loveable.
This made me wonder why we are so quick to love children but not as quick to love each other (we are all just big kids, after all).
I think it might be because little kids haven’t done anything wrong or they haven’t done anything to hurt us. So of course we love them.
However, this gets tricky when we hit adulthood and people we love are hurting us all the time.
It gets infinitely harder to love someone if they’ve hurt you than someone who never hurts you
So, what do we do about this?
Because we can’t just go around loving people who never hurt us because pretty quickly we will have no one to love and vice versa.
I believe the first step is acknowledging that we individually hurt people and that they hurt us
Pride prevents us from recognizing this all of the time.
We’d like to see ourselves as perfect people, or at least, always trying the best we can and because of that, it is hard for us to acknowledge when that is not the case.
On top of that, society also has burned in our brains that if we hurt someone, we are bad or if someone hurts us, they are bad.
No one wants to be “bad.”
This label is very hard because most of us we desperately want to be good, we desperately want to be worthy of love and in our minds, if we are “bad,” we’re not any of those good things.
It’s very hard for us to navigate our way out of that shame if we feel like one mistake or unkind act makes us bad.
The reality is humans are nuanced.
We are never just one thing.
We are never just experiencing one emotion.
If we recognize that, it will be easier to accept that even though we hurt people, that doesn’t define us.
Because we also help people
We are also awesome.
We are also kind, we are also angry, we are also creative, we are also lazy, we are all the things.
And that’s okay.
Because that is human.
So if we understand we hurt people and they hurt us and that doesn’t define anyone, what next?
Well, just because we now acknowledge that hurting people and others hurting us is human, doesn’t mean that the hurt is going to go away.
Understanding this will lessen the pain for sure, because we aren’t walking around with idealized expectations that people are always failing to meet, however, it doesn’t change the fact that when someone hurts you, or when you hurt them, it still hurts.
But what do you do with the pain that is still there?
Obviously, there’s lots of ways we respond to pain, some are better than others.
I am not going to go through the list of different things I’ve done in the past or that others do to cope with pain because that could go on forever.
However, my usual coping mechanism when someone hurts me is ignoring it and distracting myself with other things until I can stand it no longer and I have to say something about it.
Other times, I never say something about it at all and some of those things still haunt me to this day. I definitely get angry or scared and say or do something I shouldn’t and then end up regretting it.
We all have different responses.
The one I’ve found the most helpful recently though is actively trying to reconcile the relationship and practice forgiveness. Although this takes a lot of courage and a lot of humility, any time I attempt it, I feel better and the pain dissipates.
Last summer, I was hurt when my brothers didn’t reach out or check in on me after I moved back home to be with my parents. This was really hard because we were very close growing up and when one struggles with depression, you already feel like no one cares about you and no one would miss you if you were gone. I desperately needed their reassurance and I didn’t get it.
I became more and more angry about it with each passing day until finally I realized I needed to share with them how I was feeling. I decided to set up a time to visit one of them so I could share what I was going through and how I felt about not hearing from him.
The morning I was supposed to go see him, I felt anger take over me.
I thought,
I can’t believe he would do this to me!!! I am his older sister!!! I’ve done so much for him and I am in the hardest period of my life and there has been no communication or support.
I was so angry. But I desperately didn’t want to be angry. And really, when I think about it, I was just scared. I didn’t understand how people who have known and loved me for so long, weren’t showing up for me. I already felt abandoned in so many ways and I couldn’t handle feeling abandoned by someone so important to me.
At that moment, I decided to turn to the scriptures and journal. I wrote at the top of the page, “How can I forgive people?” I then opened up my Book of Mormon and started reading.
One verse in, and I hear God say,
“Hannah, remember, you hurt people too.”
I was shocked.
Instantly, I knew He was right.
OF COURSE that’s how I forgive people.
I have to remember that I hurt people all the time too. That it’s not just me out here living a perfect life and holding everyone to this impossible standard of kindness and love that they are consistently failing at.
I am failing at that standard all the time.
Why would I think I wouldn’t need forgiveness too? Of course. I am not perfect and I unintentionally or intentionally hurt people all the time too. So by default, I need to forgive. This changed my entire perspective.
I was able to talk to my brother about my feelings with more compassion and gentleness than I had ever felt before. He responded in kind. I felt a lot of peace. I forgave him.
Since then, I’ve tried to keep this perspective in my mind. I forgive because I hurt people too. I forgive because I need forgiveness.
And as I am typing this, I realize I need to apply this perspective again to the current situation with my parents. In reality, I still do think they are the coolest parents ever and I do adore them. I just have been feeling and acting out of fear when I engage in conversations with them instead of seeking to love and understand them. I know my words/actions have hurt them too, even if I haven’t been trying to do that.
As I’ve battled with forgiveness and learning how to love, even when people hurt me, I’ve decided the great test of life is if we choose love, no matter what we are faced with.
Mortality is a war for our hearts.
Will I soften or become bitter?
Will I love even when I'm in pain?
There is a reason why the Book of Mormon so consistently talks about the hardening and softening of people’s hearts. The end of the Nephite civilization was because everyone became bitter. Everyone became past feeling, without love. Everyone hardened their hearts.
I will do everything I can to choose love. I will do everything I can to keep a soft heart.
I hope you will too.
Book of Mormon, Alma 34: 31 “Yea, I would that ye would come forth and aharden not your hearts any longer; for behold, now is the time and the bday of your csalvation; and therefore, if ye will repent and dharden not your hearts, immediately shall the great plan of redemption be brought about unto you.”
Hi Hannah. Really liked this post. It reminded me of this quote from The Gula Archipelago 1918-1956:
“If only it were all so simple! If only there were evil people somewhere insidiously committing evil deeds, and it were necessary only to separate them from the rest of us and destroy them. But the line dividing good and evil cuts through the heart of every human being. And who is willing to destroy a piece of his own heart?”
Good people can still cause harm
Thank you for sharing this!! I think in our 20’s we start to see our parents as real people and that changes a lot of things. I love that you mentioned responding with compassion instead of acting out of fear.