I really didn’t.
And I don’t know how to talk about it other than say exactly what it was, but I didn’t.
I didn’t want to live.
I’ve noticed people get uncomfortable when I say stuff like this
Even with people who’ve known me for a long time, mentioning I wanted to kill myself was something they shuddered at, tried to change the subject from or try to tell me I didn’t mean it
“Hannah, you don’t REALLY mean that do you?” as they nervously glance away and then back at me
As if them saying that would somehow get me to take back what I said or somehow make me change my mind
As if I could just flip a switch in my brain and the depression would be gone
I know people reacting this way speaks to the universal human desire to avoid pain. And to society doing everything it can to help people run away from it.
Pain is painful.
Nobody wants to be in pain.
I didn’t want to be in pain.
But I was.
So I needed to share it.
“I don’t want to live,” and “I don’t want to be alive,” are all real thoughts the majority of people who have ever lived, have had
Reality is painful
If you don’t want to die sometimes, you’re not paying attention.
The world is chalk full with children suffering, people dying, homes breaking, governments failing, relationships ending & hearts breaking
We are exposed to the suffering more than ever before because of the devices in our hands
People are hurting
We are hurting
You are hurting.
This is the reality.
Thankfully, the other reality is if we can hurt each other, we can help other
We can help each other heal
The first step towards this is by being open about how we feel
It doesn’t do us any good to pretend we are feeling good when we aren’t
Studies shows when we share how we feel and name our emotions we are happier and healthier
In her recent book, “Atlas of the Heart,” Dr. Brene Brown shows how naming our feelings increases our autonomy and when shared with someone who cares, decreases feelings of loneliness and isolation
What we need is to create safe spaces where we can sit together in our struggles, where we can help each other feel seen and supported.
This means being open to the reality that the people around us aren’t doing well and making time to sincerely listen to what is on their heart.
This means instead of drawing away from the pain of others, we draw near it, by reflecting on times we’ve experienced similar pain, tapping into that feeling and giving the other person space to share their experience.
This looks like listening, not saying anything, supporting them by holding their hand and/or validating their feelings.
This looks like sincerely letting the person know we are sorry they are hurting and although we haven’t been in their exact situation, we too have felt pain that has brought us to our knees. And it sucks.
These are some of the steps we can take to create a more loving and hope-filled world right in our own backyard.
Talking about how I feel has always helped me for as long as I can remember.
This summer I felt like if I couldn’t share the suicidal thoughts I was feeling that that would be thing that killed me.
Because if I had no place to actually share what I was really feeling because no one wanted to understand me on that level, what was the point of living?
I needed to share to feel better.
I needed to share because once I did I felt like things weren’t as bad as they were in my head.
I needed to share because if I could talk about it, I felt like I had more control over it and could eventually overcome it.
We need to share.
Not sharing how we are actually feeling is making us sick.
It’s preventing us from truly connecting with one another.
And if we aren’t making genuine connections with each other as hardwired social creatures, we are killing ourselves.
I don’t want to die anymore.
I am so grateful for everyone and God (and myself!) who helped me get back to this point.
But I don’t want anyone else to die either.
I want you to live.
I want you have a safe space to share.
Please know there are plenty of safe spaces for you to share.
Please reach out to me or a safe space in your life or the suicide hotline if you need to share.
There are people who want to sit with you.
There are people who want you to share.
There are people who want to listen.
And there are people (and a loving God) who will help you get through it.
You are amazing.
I love you.
I believe in you.
I am cheering for you.
Please share. I want you here.
Suicide Hotline: #988, https://988lifeline.org/