Sex & My Salvation
white knuckling the altar
I am sitting in the front row inside the endowment room of the temple
And I just told God in front of a room full of people that I wouldn’t have sex until I was married
And I am sobbing
Heaving.
Sobs.
My life is so different than Ethan’s
So different.
What am I doing here watching a film about laying on of hands to receive the gift of the Holy Ghost & my eventual salvation through Jesus?
That is so specific
Do I really believe that?
Do I really believe this?
It’s so niche
It’s so different
No one is doing this
No one.
No one is sitting around in a big room with their closest friends and family, committing to not having sex until they are married
No one is doing that
Except for me.
Well, it feels like it’s just me when I think about the world in reference to Ethan
Because in a lot of ways, he felt like the whole world
And to have that ripped away from me because of some promise I’m making with God feels like a punch to the gut
It feels like murder
Like I killed someone
And karma came back to get me
And I am the one left to die on the hill instead of the person I tried to kill
I am so mad and I am SO sad
And I am white knuckling the altar
Because I don’t wanna
But deep down,
I do
Because I see her
I see my premortal spirit self
And I can’t let her down
I know who she is
And who she is meant to be
I know ultimately she was called to be someone really special
She was called to build God’s kingdom in this way
Even if it means giving up things that are really dear to her,
Even sacred.
Is there a limit or a length to the sacredness of something?
Because Ethan and I were sacred for a time
Because Ethan and I loved each other for a time
What happens if that stops or goes away or you stop building something sacred together
What happens if you’re asked to give it up
Even if you love it?
I don’t know honestly
I’ve given up lots of things for God before
But I’ve never had to give this up
I’ve never had to give up Ethan
And all the sacrifices before pale in comparison to this one
To him
Can you believe I am walking away from someone who looks at me like that?
No,
You don’t understand.
In all my 28 years of life,
I’ve never had someone look at me like that
Or think I’m so deliriously brilliant that he says it all the time
Or wants to be with me so bad, he is willing to give up alcohol, drugs & any other thing that could separate us
Until Ethan.
I hope it’s something good
I hope God consecrates my efforts
I hope He sees I am dedicated to becoming who I came to earth to be and serving Him with every ounce of my being
And honestly, I know He won’t let me down
But man,
I am white knuckling the altar until then
Hopefully they’ll let me in the Celestial Kingdom
Even if I go kicking & screaming