Part 1: The best boys live in Austin
I’ve been talking to this boy who lives in Austin, Texas.
We met last summer when he and his mom came to visit Antelope Canyon.
And we’ve been talking pretty consistently since September.
This is surprising to me & anyone who knows me.
I hate the ongoing texting conversations before you meet someone (if you ever do) that usually accompany modern dating. But Ethan and I hit it off when we met.
We FaceTime all the time.
And I like him.
It’s only been in the last month or so that we acknowledged we had feelings for each other.
Up until that point, it was just really nice to have a friend. We see the world very similarly and can talk for hours, which has been such an anchor as I’ve been lonely in my small tourist town that dies down in winter time.
Most importantly though, he makes me feel safe. I can’t believe how unbelievably good he has been to me.
He respects me so much & literally tells me I’m brilliant and beautiful, all the time.
Which is insane.
I’ve never had a guy do that before.
After we had the feelings conversation he’s like:
“Hannah, I don’t know if you know this, but you’re literally one in a million. You’re going to accomplish the most amazing things.”
It’s been a rollercoaster trying to figure out what to do next. He’s not a member of the Church and I clearly don’t live in Austin. I am honestly not sure if the cards are in our favor. Regardless, I am really grateful. It’s been really beautiful to have a man be so consistent, so open and so much on my team.
Part 2: I feel safe with you, should we have sex?
All this to say, I woke up this morning wanting to be with this boy in the most sexual way possible.
The last couple weeks have been so meaningful and beautiful, I started listening to “Sweet Nothing” by Taylor Swift (arguably one of her best love songs if you’re a people pleasing perfectionist, primed to be everything for everyone)
They said the end is coming / Everyone’s up to something / I find myself running home to your sweet nothings / Outside they’re pushing & shoving / You’re in the kitchen humming / All that you ever wanted from me was nothing
Cue the tears & the hope filled heart that says if she wrote that, love like that actually exists
To God’s eternal credit, and despite being a 28 year old virgin, I’ve never really struggled with strong sexual desires or lust.*
This is partially due to the fact that I’m so emotionally driven that what turns me on is someone who can facilitate a strong emotional connection.
I am not interested in being physical with a guy unless I feel like I know him, and even then, I’ve kissed maybe 10 guys in my life and only really enjoyed two of them. Both being men I was emotionally invested in.
It also feels a little bit like a waste of time to be physical if the person is going to leave in the end. After the consistent ghosting and lack of commitment/respect I experienced dating at BYU, I pretty much developed the capacity to only be interested in someone if I felt safe with them. And I can honestly count on one hand the amount of guys I’ve experienced that with in romantic settings.
So, it is a big deal that I woke up wanting to have sex with Ethan.
And that desire has honestly only increased in the last couple weeks. Which I know is normal, but it’s just funny how all of a sudden since I feel safe with him & he genuinely cares for me, my body is like so when are we having kids???
However, because this might be the first time ever I’ve had a man be this consistent in my life & be this good to me, I feel like I want him way more. And so the desires to be with him sexually have been a little bit harder to manage
I’m not going to get into the details about my relationship to sex or my sexuality as a Latter Day Saint Christian woman in this post. But I know/believe there is a line between lust and love and I definitely did not feel the most virtuous after getting out of bed this morning.
Part 3: The Sacrament
Regardless of if it was shame/guilt I felt this morning, I went to church feeling not so great and desperately searching for the Savior to help me feel clean again.
During my scripture study beforehand, I really focused on Nephi’s words in 2 Nephi 11 about the specific things he delights in about Jesus. I took ten minutes to write down all the reasons why I delight in the Savior and who He is to me. It was really cathartic and I started to feel more hope. I know that the more I train my mind to turn to Him, the more joy I will feel and the more relief I will feel.
During the sacrament service, I was more intentional about reading the words of the hymn and searching for what it was teaching about Jesus. As I sung “O God, the Eternal Father” with the rest of the congregation, a lyric stood out to me I had never noticed before:
When Jesus the Anointed / Descended from Above
And gave himself a ransom / To win our souls with love
To win our souls with love
!!!!!!!
You’re kidding.
How have I never seen paid attention to this lyric before?
I knew instantly that this was the answer to the shame and guilt I was feeling. This was the answer to overcoming lust.
Love.
This is how Jesus triumphed over all.
This is how Jesus conquered death.
This is how Jesus became victorious.
Through love.
Jesus won our souls with love.
We can win our souls with love.
We can win our trials with love.
We can win our minds with love.
We can win our bodies with love.
Obviously, developing and experiencing the love of God is a life long journey. And I didn’t walk away from that meeting never wanting to have sex again. But I did walk away with a newfound hope that all things can and will be accomplished through Christ’s love. And that I am capable of maintaining healthy sexual boundaries in thought and deed.
I am so grateful for Jesus.
I know through Him I am forgiven and I know through Him I can become holy. And I am. I am so grateful for Him working through me in that way and I am so grateful He will continue to lift me up when I fall and will continue to fill my soul with peace all the time, but especially when I mess up. I am so grateful for His love. I hope someday, I can love myself as much as He loves me.
And I hope you can, too.
*Note: I was originally going to write despite being a 28 year old Law of Chastity keeper (I don’t know how I feel about referring to myself as a virgin because it feels derogatory in same cases) but then realized the reason I haven’t struggled with lust is because I’ve strived my entire life to keep that law so my mind and heart have always been really pure, through God’s grace. I know the Law of Chastity is from God and He gave it to us so we can experience the most abundant and joy filled life ever :’) <3