The gospel of Jesus Christ is not about doing everything right
priesthood blessings & house parties
I have obviously been stressed out about everything under the sun the last couple of weeks
Not to mention grieving
I thought visiting Utah would give me clarity
And really it has just provided a lot of relief from the grief and from the reality of my life like
I still have no idea how I am going to make money and educate people about God for a living and
I still really miss my friends and having a community to ground me
And it’s stressful because after you’ve made one decision,
Another one seems to find its way, right to you
This paralyzes me
I’ve always hated to do lists because it doesn’t matter how much I put down on them or how much I cross off, I always have to make another one
It’s never ending
I’ve always struggled making decisions
Because I always want to make the RIGHT one
My entire life all I’ve wanted to do is what God wants me to do
Literally everything I’ve done since I was 14 years old has been under that purpose
Which has been a huge blessing
But also a little bit of a hurdle when there are multiple choices you can make for something and none of them are right, they just are whatever you want them to be
And the older I’ve gotten, the more I am like, “well, this could go a million different ways but what is the RIGHT way it could go”
Which has resulted in and formed some form of religious OCD
And tonight as I sobbed in my room to God about what the right thing to do is in my situation with Ethan, I felt a lot of peace as I turned to the scriptures and heard,
“Remember, it’s not about doing everything right, it’s about how strong your relationship is with Jesus”
AH, YES!
THANK YOU SPIRIT!
I NEEDED THAT REMINDER!
OF COURSE! YOU ARE RIGHT, IT’S NOT ABOUT DOING EVERYTHING RIGHT IT’S ABOUT MY RELATIONSHIP WITH MY SAVIOR
YES
DING DING DING OKAY NOW WE ARE TALKING NOW WE GOT IT FIGURED OUT
All of a sudden, I feel a huge weight lifted off me
I am going to make quote on quote good and quote on quote bad decisions, I am going to make decisions that I wish turned out differently, I am going to make decisions I really love and am really grateful for
However, none of that really matters compared to if I loved Savior while I made those decisions, if I relied on Him
It’s not so much about the decision as much as it is where my heart is and is my heart with Jesus?
Because the reality is, I need Him
And it is through Him I will change and grow no matter what I do
And as I rely on Him, I will be forgiven and strengthened and my heart will be changed
And I will want to make more Christ-like decisions as I come to know Him
That’s the point
That’s the purpose
That’s why we are here on earth
To come to know Jesus
Through Him, I can be free, I can have peace
Through Him, I can grow, I can become everything I need to be
I am so grateful
The first photo is me & Marcus, Sam’s friend, who came over to give one of our friends (Jenna) a blessing while everyone was having a party downstairs. After her blessing, Sam asked if I wanted one
I did
It was a really powerful experience mainly because I have never had people physically comfort me while getting a blessing
I am really struggling with making decisions and trying to navigate what I’m going to do regarding my situation with Ethan and started crying during the blessing
As soon as I did, Sam grabbed my hand and then 30 seconds later, Jenna gets up from where she was sitting on the bed and sits at my feet, hugging my legs and I am just sobbing
I’ve never experienced anything like that before
Mourning and having my friends literally hold me in that way while Marcus is asking for the literal power of heaven to be with us
I felt like my friends were literal angels in that moment, like that they were heaven sent and that that is what angels in heaven do, sit and kneel with you and lay on the floor crying with you
I am so grateful
Afterwards, Marcus joined in the hug too. So I was literally wrapped in an envelope of love. I felt so whole. I felt so complete. God is good.
It definitely helps having three future therapists hold you while you cry yourself to sleep :’)
I NEEDED THIS SO BAD 😭😭😭 I needed to hear someone say what I’ve been thinking and feeling about just loving like Jesus and trying to be like Jesus and focusing on my relationship with Jesus instead of following every rule to a T. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU. I feel more seen because of you so graciously sharing your experiences 😭🫶😭🫶