am i chaste?

really trying to figure this out after dating someone & wanting them, sexually

“Beauty without virtue is like a rose without scent”

- Unknown

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last week, i was scrolling through substack when i stumbled on

Omar F. Najjarine

’s article “why modern life feelings meaningless”

i was instantly enthralled

i had never felt so captivated by a human before

everything he wrote seemed exactly on par with what i believe & preach

i decide to stalk him on instagram to see if we had even more common and come across a video titled

“i no longer feel lust toward women”

i stop

i don’t even watch the video

the entire time i’m scrolling through his stuff, i can’t believe how similar we are & think at some point we should probably get married

or at least meet

but as soon as i see this video i’m like

oh.

wait.

am i good enough for this guy?

this is a hard pill for me to swallow

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i’ve always kept the law of chastity¹

cultivating virtue has always been a part of my life

i remember being in church when i was 12 or 13 and watching an animated video on why we should keep the law of chastity and what boundaries to set to make sure we don’t break it

the video shows a little animated guy in an airplane and says something like

don’t even fly near the trees if you know the forest is bad for you

…or something, haha.

here’s the little plane guy!!!

basically saying if you have to ask where the line is in sex, maybe go far away from the line so you never have to cross it

and you know what?

i LOVED that little video

i thought it was great

it made sense to me

i believed the law of chastity was something that protected me

i saw a lot of girls my age in middle school being really hurt by sleeping around with boys

i also recognized how deeply i felt things and trying to engage in a romantic relationship like that seemed like it would be the death of me

(especially since i was in seventh grade, crying about tyler oj not liking me back and breaking my heart, even though we barely talked)

i have an old journal entry from around the same time where my best friend and i wrote a pact to always keep the law of chastity

we signed our own and then signed each other’s

i was serious about it and committed

i knew keeping it would help me feel the spirit and i didn’t want to jeopardize that

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flash forward to now

november 2024

it’s been sixteen years since i saw that video for the first time

and made those vows

and i’ve still never had sex

or really masturbated

or looked at pornography

or seen people in general as objects, ever

i’m proud of myself for these things

not engaging in anything sexual is important to me

even if people increasingly cannot relate to that or find value in it

my deep love for the savior has not changed

my understanding and testimony of the law of chastity has increased

HOWEVER

it’s also been tested in more ways than i could even imagine

i have been tested in more ways than i could even imagine

and even though i’ve found joy in this promise

and i believe in the sacredness of sex and saving it for marriage

it has been one of the biggest pain points of my life this year

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it is no secret that i loved a boy named ethan this year

that i’ve really been kind of in love with him since we met last august at the canyon

that i’ve never been treated better by someone in a romantic relationship

and that i’ve also never had more grief from a relationship before

me being a tour guide at antelope canyon, az :’)

one of his very first texts to me, i’m pretty sure i was in love with him after this

we only dated for a few months, long distance

so the fact that i’ve grieved him this entire year probably feels peculiar to some of you

but that’s what i’ve done pretty much

grieve him

all year

because i always knew i could never really have him

because of the law of chastity

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of course,

it’s not like we broke up because i instantly was like

“hey i am not wanting to have sex until i’m married”

there were lots of factors that went into it

but things were doomed from the start, probably

because of the things i believes and the things he believes

which is hard

because A LOT of our beliefs are similar

we wouldn’t have been attracted to each other or even engaged in and entertained the idea of being together long term if there weren’t so many things pulling us together

(hello being a free spirit and ambitious and loving and caring deeply about the general state of the world and humanity and being honest and trying to seek god and being confident enough to let the other person be themselves and not tear them down and instead build them up)

(hello first ever man to call me brilliant and beautiful and believe in me and my dreams so wholly it strengthened my belief in me)

(hello someone with true confidence in themselves and what they feel god is calling them to do and not being shy about it)

(HELLO SOMEONE WHO IS REAL)

but despite all of those things

what a person believes about sex is a pretty big thing

especially when it comes to romantic relationships

and if it’s different than your partners, it might be time to re-evaluate things

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i didn’t want to re-evaluate things though

i wanted to make it work

we talked so much about trying to make it work

but what about his needs

what about mine

and the fact is, ethan did not grow up in the church of jesus christ

he didn’t watch the little airplane video when he was 10 and believe it with his whole soul

and that’s okay

(& honestly i love him for the things he has become because he didn’t grow up in the church)

i wasn’t expecting us to be the same on this when we got into a relationship

but i was expecting/hoping? we would be able to somehow make things work (i know, that probably sounds delusional)

we really care for each other

i didn’t know the physical aspect (or the faith aspect) would come into play as much as it did

until we got to be together in person

and we are making out in his car

and he’s on top of me

and i can’t do anything else except for wish he was inside of me

and then i’m like

oh, wait.

okay.

we can’t do this.

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many of you are probably justifying things for me right now

“of course, you feel that way, hannah! it’s NORMAL. you are 28 years old, HEAVEN FORBID YOU ENGAGE IN THE MOST NATURAL THING IN THE WORLD AND MAKE OUT WITH A MAN IN THE BACKSEAT OF HIS CAR”

hi from ethan & i in may

and i would agree

i’m not saying that we couldn’t do this because we couldn’t make out ever

i’m not saying engaging in that type of activity is something i’m never going to do again

but in that moment in colorado

i realized it would be damn hard for me to keep the law of chastity if i was dating someone who didn’t care about it

of course, ethan cared that i kept it

ethan respected my boundaries

but it seemed like a losing battle to be the only one trying not to have sex as soon as i with him physically

no way in hell i could win that if we kept dating

because i wanted him so badly

colorado & the boy i want/wanted

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i have lots of thoughts about this

we had lots of conversation about it

it felt like my understanding and belief in sex and not engaging in it before marriage was attached to my belief of what love is, which ultimately is who I believe God is

and if we have different ideas on sex and different ideas on love, we ultimately have different ideas on who God really is and is that something i really want in a marriage or long-term partnership?

is that something he wants?

those questions seemed too hard to answer and honestly the conversations around them felt pretty hard to detangle

we spent the majority of our relationship via facetime, really cultivating the emotional bond and friendship side of things

but then we got together in person and had to confront the physicality and intimacy of an IRL romantic relationship, it felt really difficult and confusing

this was really hard

and majorly, majorly sucked

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now, i’m not writing this to complain for the millionth time about how it sucked when things ended with ethan

you can read a million other articles about that here

i am writing this because i suck at not thinking of him on top of me since we broke up

not thinking of him in that way has been hard

not wanting him sexually has been hard

and sometimes, i’m better at it than others

sometimes, i’m really, really good at it

i went a few months after our breakup with not viewing him in that way at all

(hello no contact + italian poet)

but the last month or so has been really hard

i have really missed him

and my body wants him

and i’ve looked up tickets to san francisco an unbearable amount of times because

what if i just went to see him one more time?

what if we could somehow make it work?

what if we could be together again?

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again, i hear the justifications in your minds

“obviously, it is normal to think about him like that hannah! you loved him!”

and i think it is normal

i don’t think necessarily me thinking of being physically with ethan again is bad

but

if it’s distracting me

and also burdening me

and also making me hate my life

maybe i shouldn’t do it?

lol

and it’s really not that big of a deal

but the thing is, i went to the temple this past week and i STILL felt burdened by agreeing to keeping the law of chastity in front of everyone

it used to not feel like that

i used to find a lot of joy in living the law of chastity

and now it feels like a prison

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when i saw the post from omar i was just like

man, i’ve really struggled with lust this year

i know it’s normal and i know it’s fine

but what would twelve year old hannah think of that?

of course

she would be a lot more understanding and compassionate, my inner child totally is

she would cheer for me and believe in me, and honestly,

be really in awe of ethan

but would she also be sad

would she be mad

would she be disappointed

is god disappointed

am i disappointed

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i should want to keep the law of chastity

i should want to date men who keep the law of chastity

i should want to date someone like omar, who is apparently making content about not lusting

i should want to live a virtuous life

and i do,

i don’t think you go without sex for years and years if you don’t

but i also want to see this choice as more of a privilege

i want to see it as an honor

i want to see it as something that carries me

instead of throttling me

instead of bleeding me out

i believe there is power from virtuous living

i believe there is power in keeping promises with god

i believe i have a lot of that

i believe i have access to all of it

but am i using it

am i feeling it

am i exercising my faith in christ to see the law of chastity as a good thing

am i exercising my faith in christ to see letting go of ethan as a good thing

am i exercising my faith in christ to believe he has something better, something more aligned with me

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i don’t believe god wants us to shame ourselves

i don’t believe god shames us or anyone or anything

i believe satan does

i believe satan wants us to feel unworthy, unloved and like we are not enough

he wants to sit here and tell me i’m a horrible person for lusting after ethan

he wants to sit here and tell me i can’t repent and that i can’t change and that things will never be the same for me again since i keep entertaining ethan physically

i know that’s not god though

i know he is bigger than that

i know he is more loving than that

god wants me to see the whole picture

god wants me to know he is there for me

god wants me to know it is normal and natural for me to want to have sex with ethan

god wants me to know those feelings are special

that he even gave them to me

god wants me to know he loves me no matter what i do or think or how many times i stumble

god wants me to know he understands coming to understand my sexuality and embrace that part of me is a journey

he knows we live in a very sexualized world

he knows it’s really hard to be chaste

he knows it’s really hard to be clean

that’s why he sent jesus to help us clean us

every day

every hour

every minute

he asks us to turn our every thought to him

because it’s hard to be in this world and find peace

it’s hard to be in our bodies and find peace

it’s hard to be clean

but he can give us peace

he can give us strength

he can help us and guide our way

he knows what is right and wrong

he knows our limits

he wants to strengthen us

he wants to help us achieve all we can be

he wants to help us keep the law of chastity

and i know as we partner with him, we can

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sometimes, i don’t want to live a virtuous life

sometimes, i want someone to have sex with me

sometimes, i wish i didn’t keep the law of chastity

sometimes, i am so mad at those things i wish i could scream

(and i probably should honestly, lol)

but i also want to be worthy

i want to be worthy of the Spirit

i want to be worthy of someone who is striving to keep the law of chastity

i want to be worthy of someone who is actively trying to overcome lust

because deep down, i want those things too

i do want to keep the law of chastity

i do want to live a virtuous life

i do want to follow jesus and put my passions aside

i want to be married to someone and engage with them sexually

i want to view sex as a sacred thing

and a lot of times i do

which i’m grateful for

but a lot of times i don’t, which i’m also grateful for

this is the human part of me, this is the natural man part of me

this is what i came to earth to learn how to overcome and work with and manage and learn from

and that’s okay, that’s normal

we all have our things

we all have our struggles

learning how to love and overcome lust, is a lifelong journey

we will mess up

we won’t be perfect at it

the goal is not to be perfect at it

the goal is to try

the goal is to turn to him when we mess up

as we try to love him, follow him, and turn to him, he will turn to us

he will make us into who we were designed to be

who are true, divine selves ultimately desire to be

if that’s what we honestly seek

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MY DARLING READER ♡

WE GOT THIS

wherever you are on your journey with god, with the law of chastity, or maybe on a different path from both of those things, which is TOTALLY OKAY

I BELIEVE IN YOU

i love you

i am proud of you

we got this.

please reach out if you ever need a listening ear or someone to talk to or cry with about all these things - or anything really.

xoxo,

han

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a couple notes:

1) i hate to use the term worthy because it is something that has become so convoluted in LDS church culture and purity culture in general in christianity.

i believe everyone is worthy of love, regardless of anything.

that is what jesus teaches and what god teaches us and is just a literal true principle of the universe.

but i couldn’t think of a better word in this context of wanting to be good enough for someone who is really good. i believe i am good, but it was surprising to me to have an experience where i felt like a man was living higher standards than me and that inspired me to want to live a higher, more holier way too.

because i really care about following jesus and my life is pretty aligned with him in a lot of ways, i don’t often meet men in the dating pool that i’m like “OH WOW THEY MAKE ME WANT TO BE BETTER??” (this is probably pride, honestly, which is my biggest downfall and maybe i’m digging myself in a hole trying to explain this)

i just hope no one reads this piece and is like, “oh i have to be worthy of love” or hannah thinks we all have to be living some way to be worthy of love.

i don’t think that.

i just think i hope to be someone that someone who is intentionally overcoming lust wants to be around or partner with. and normally i am, but since i have struggled with lust more this year than i feel ever before, it made me re-evaluate the things i’ve been focusing on and has also inspired me to change/repent.

the higher part of me really does want to marry someone who is trying to keep the law of chastity and sees love and sex and God the same as me, but i haven’t tapped into her as much this year because of how much i’ve wanted to be with ethan, and how many parts of ethan and i’s relationship has really helped me tap into God. so it’s hard to kind of dissect and tear apart what is conflicting and what is not. but basically, i think i do want to be worthy of living in the celestial kingdom and i ultimately want to be worthy of living with god, so if that’s the case, i need to keep the law of chastity.

2) i went to look back at omar’s video today while i was writing it to make myself watch it and then clicked on the video and realized he was quoting someone who was married who had overcome lust, not himself

which kind of totally changes the inspiration of this article! and also makes omar more of a symbol in this of someone i should want to date if i am striving to keep the law of chastity and cultivate a virtuous life because we don’t actually know what his standards are on that. and that’s okay!!! he could obviously be a serial killer and we don’t actually know if he is marriage material (he could be in love with someone currently for all i know) but his work is incredible, so you should check it out & see for yourself.

and also hi, omar, if you’re reading this :)

3) found the chastity video from middle school, lol. guess it came out when i was 16, not 12 or 13 haha (or maybe that’s just when they put it on youtube?) the journal entry promise with my best friend is for sure from 7th grade and the crush on tyler oj is also from 7th grade, which is also when i started to notice girls being crushed by boys carelessness with them. so around 12/13 is when i started to more develop my testimony of the law of chastity and then this video solidified itself in my memory a couple years later i guess XD

GREAT MATERIAL XOXO

1. The Law of Chastity is a covenant we make with God in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints to remain sexually pure before marriage and remain faithful to our partner in marriage. The covenant specifically is to not engage in sexual relations with someone unless we are legally and lawfully married to them. I’m trying to navigate my way through being a disciple of Christ and keeping that covenant as a 28 year old single woman in the Church. One of my favorite talks on it is by David Bednar, who is currently serving as an apostle of Jesus in the Church. You can read that here or if you’re curious to learn more about our beliefs on it go here!

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