everyone moved on

except for me

six year old hannah, ms. may’s first grade class, 2001

Help, I’m still at the restaurant / Still sitting in a corner I haunt / Cross-legged in the dim light/ They say what a “sad sight” / I swear you could hear a hair pin drop / Right when I felt the moment stop / Glass shattered on the white cloth / Everybody moved on

Taylor Swift

help, i’m still at the restaurant

except the restaurant is my house

my childhood home

in page, arizona

the town that shaped me,

made me who i am

and my parents are selling it

i am devastated

---

one thing you should know about me is

i’ve cried at every transition i’ve ever made

starting in elementary school

i cried leaving fifth grade

i cried leaving middle school

i cried leaving high school

(oh BOY did i cry leaving high school)

i cried leaving college

i cried leaving for my mission

i cried leaving italy

i cried leaving seminary

i cried

---

i have a distinct memory

of being six years old

playing in my backyard

with my best friend tiana

it was dark out

i can’t remember what we were doing exactly

but at one point

we were sitting together, talking

and she told me she was going to get glasses

i started to cry

i felt like her getting glasses meant things were changing

and i couldn’t stand the thought of that

---

i was eighteen when i finally found some relief

i had been searching my whole life for it

i felt like a freak

feeling so deep

it was april 2014

i was listening to general conference when

elder uchtdorf helped me find peace

“in light of what we know about our eternal destiny, is it any wonder that whenever we face the bitter endings of life, they seem unacceptable to us? there seems to be something inside of us that resists endings.

why is this? because we are made of the stuff of eternity. we are eternal beings, children of the almighty god, whose name is endless and who promises eternal blessings without number.

endings are not our destiny.

the more we learn about the gospel of jesus christ, the more we realize that endings here in mortality are not endings at all. they are merely interruptions—temporary pauses that one day will seem small compared to the eternal joy awaiting the faithful.

how grateful I am to my heavenly father that in his plan there are no true endings, only everlasting beginnings.”¹

at the time i heard this

i was pretty sure i was experiencing the greatest and most painful ending of my entire life

i thought i was going to die graduating high school

i thought i was going to die leaving the boy i loved

i thought i was going to die leaving my friends

i thought i was going to die leaving my parents

i thought i was going to die leaving my siblings

but it felt like time to leave

and i still had an insane amount of grief

i didn’t know what to do

i wasn’t surprised i was reacting the way i was

but i didn’t understand it

until i heard elder uchtdorf’s words

OH, right. OF COURSE this is unacceptable to me! i am an eternal being, god wrote our souls to be forever, for families to be together forever, to continually learn and grow as spirits, to continue to love

of course when there is a perceived ending of any kind, i am devastated

of course it is unacceptable

it’s always been unacceptable for me to lose people

if life is one eternal round

breakups and big life changes

feel like a break in a circle that is meant to go for eternity

and trying to put things back where they were in the circle

feel like an impossible task

someone i thought i was going to love for a very long time, sophomore year yearbook, page high

---

this is why i feel like we need jesus

i feel like we need him for the breaks in our relationships

for the things we can’t put back on our own

if god’s love is eternal and our lives are eternal

how can we mend things with everyone we’ve ever loved

how can we move on?

how can we love them forever? even after they’re gone?

or

is there a way we get to keep people forever, even if it looks like we’re not?

jesus is the mediator and mender of all things

he mends us

and our relationships

but can he heal them enough that they last forever? that they go into eternity? that we can go into eternity with everyone we’ve ever loved in harmony?

i’m not sure

i hope so

i think there is a probable amount of agency we all have and we get decide if our relationships heal or not

and we get to decide if jesus heals them or not

---

in the church of jesus christ of latter day saints

we believe in something called the atonement of jesus christ

basically, the atonement is the act of jesus suffering for our sins in the garden gethsemane, being nailed to the cross for all of us, dying, and rising again three days later

we believe this is the most important thing that has ever happened in the history of our planet

we believe that because of him, death is not the end

that our relationships with our loved ones can last for eternity when we turn to him

we believe when he suffered in the garden, he bled from every pore for all of our sins, weaknesses, pains and grief²

we believe he did that for each of us, individually

that it wasn’t just some collective grief for all humanity

but that he really felt every pain i’ve ever felt

and every pain you have ever felt

we believe in an individual god who performed an individual atonement for each one of us

we believe that even if you were the one person on earth making mistakes and suffering grief, he would still come and grieve and weep and suffer pain in the garden just for you

he would still come and die just for you

that’s who jesus is

an individual god, who individually suffered for you as an individual

your pain, your grief, your sorrow, your heartbreak, your parents, your breakup, your lost job, your mistakes, your missed chances

everything you’ve ever felt in your life, he felt it

he suffered for you

he died for you

and then he lived again

for you

so that you don’t have to carry your grief alone

so that you don’t have to carry your pain alone

so that when you look in the mirror in the morning and are struggling to see the light of day

struggling to find a reason to stay

he could be with you

he could carry you

so that he could see you and stand with you in that moment and hold you

so that he could look at you with perfect empathy and compassion and say

“i know, i know. and i’m sorry.”

jesus is standing with you when you stand and look at yourself in the mirror

or when you can barely look at yourself in the mirror

he is standing with you

he is putting his arm around you

he is strengthening you

he is saying

“you can do this, we can do this. together”

“if you let me walk with you, i can help you.”

“i can help you through the anger, i can help you with the pain. i can help you with the starting over.”

“i just need you to trust me. to take my hand and walk with me.”

this is what jesus is saying to you when you are looking at yourself in the mirror

when you are about to give up

he is saying, “keep trying. i can help you. i’ll be with you every step of the way.”

i know this is who jesus is

HOW AMAZING IS THAT!!!!!!

THAT HE HAS FELT EVERYTHING YOU HAVE EVER FELT?????? HOW HE HAS FELT EVERY PAIN YOU’VE EVER FELT??????

HE KNOWS WHAT ITS LIKE FOR YOUR MOM TO LEAVE YOU

HE KNOWS WHAT ITS LIKE WHEN YOUR PARENTS DON’T CARE

HE KNOWS WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE WOUNDED IN THE HOUSE OF YOUR FRIENDS

HE KNOWS WHAT ITS LIKE TO FAIL A TEST

HE KNOWS WHAT ITS LIKE TO CRY OVER A BOY

HE KNOWS WHAT ITS LIKE WHEN YOU GET TO THE FINISH LINE AND YOU REALIZE IT’S NOT WHAT YOU WANTED

HE KNOWS WHAT ITS LIKE WHEN YOU SIT THERE AND FEEL LIKE YOU’VE RUINED EVERYTHING

HE KNOWS WHAT IT’S LIKE TO FEEL ALL IS LOST

THAT HOPE DOESN’T EXIST

ANYMORE

THAT NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO, YOU CAN’T EVER GET BACK TO WHO YOU WERE

OR WHAT YOU WERE

OR HOW THINGS WERE

THAT NO MATTER WHAT

THE BREAK IS PERMANENT

THAT THE PEOPLE ARE GONE

THAT YOUR LIFE IS GONE

THAT THE RELATIONSHIP IS OVER FOREVER

THAT YOU’RE ALL OUT OF CHANCES

THAT THERE IS NO MORE HOPE, PEACE OR JOY

THAT YOU WILL NEVER BE HAPPY AGAIN

THAT YOU WILL NEVER HEAL

HE KNOWS WHAT THAT IS LIKE

JESUS KNOWS WHAT THAT IS LIKE

HE HAS FELT ALL OF IT

AND STILL FEELS ALL OF IT

THAT IS WHO HE IS

THIS NEVER ENDING SOURCE OF MERCY, EMPATHY AND COMPASSION

HE KNOWS EXACTLY WHAT YOU FEEL

HE SUFFERED IT

AND BECAUSE HE SUFFERED IT

HE CAN HEAL YOU FROM IT

HE CAN MAKE ALL THE BROKEN PARTS WHOLE

THAT IS THE MESSAGE OF JESUS

HE CAN HEAL YOU AND ME

NO MATTER HOW FAR WE FEEL WE HAVE GONE

NO MATTER HOW MUCH WE’VE MESSED UP

NO MATTER HOW MUCH WE’VE BEEN BETRAYED

NO MATTER HOW MUCH WE’VE SAID “I’M NEVER DOING THIS AGAIN”

NO MATTER HOW PAINFUL LIFE HAS BEEN

NO MATTER THE BREAK

NO MATTER THE BREAK UP

NO MATTER THE GRIEF

JESUS CAN HEAL YOU AND ME

THAT IS THE MESSAGE OF THE GOSPEL OF JESUS CHRIST

IT IS NEVER REALLY OVER BECAUSE OF HIM

DEATH IS NOT THE END BECAUSE OF HIM

THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS ENDINGS BECAUSE OF HIM

HE LIVES

AND BECAUSE HE LIVES

YOU AND I WILL LIVE AGAIN

YOU AND I AND ALL THE PEOPLE WE LOVE WILL LIVE AGAIN

AND WE WILL HAVE OPPORTUNITIES TO LOVE THEM AND BE LOVED FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES

FOR THE REST OF IMMORTALITY

THIS IS WHO JESUS IS

THE GIFT GIVER

THE LIGHT OF OUR LIVES

THE NEVER ENDING WELL OF SECOND CHANCES

THE HOLY ONE OF ISRAEL

THE STAR THAT LIGHTS UP EVERY NIGHT

HE IS THERE

HE GIVES HOPE

THERE WILL ALWAYS BE SECOND CHANCES

THERE WILL ALWAYS BE A NEW DAY

BECAUSE OF HIM

HALLELUJAH

---

i’ve been feeling stuck

i feel like i’m writing this testimony of jesus for me

or god is writing through me to remind me

i feel like that’s how all my best pieces happen

it’s not me who writes them

i mean it is, the divine me, the highest version of me

but it’s also god

with me

which is emmanuel, which is jesus

god with us

jesus with me

writing these things

---

i got scared last night

i was watching the summer i turned pretty

i rarely watch tv

but i needed to watch this

and as i watch

i start to get uncomfortable

my life used to be a movie

i did all these things

i had all these adventures

i used to live life with great faith

and now i’m stuck in my room

scared to move

scared to do anything

i thought i was on the greatest trajectory of my life

i came back from italy

was prompted from god to start a new community

met more of my celebrity crushes/youtube heroes

felt like i was on the path to success

felt like i was on the “verge” of something

the feeling i always got before something big and grand happened,

a miracle i could hardly describe but knew god was in the hand of it, every time

and then

i got let go from seminary

and started spiraling

two years later, i can see how i let myself do that

two years later, i can see how the shame and grief and depression ate me alive

and two year later, i finally feel okay about it

my life hasn’t really been the same since then

my relationship with god changed then

my relationship with men changed then

(let’s be honest though, that one was already hanging by the thread)

but in a lot of ways since then

i’ve felt like a side character in my life

more than the leading lady i was/am/always had been

and i know i’ve done that to myself

and i also know i’ve worked really hard to recover and reconcile that grief

i’ve worked really hard to reconcile that even when you feel called to do something, other people can get in the way of that

you can be betrayed

you can be wounded by people who were supposed to believe in you

by a god who was supposed to believe in you

by yourself, who was supposed to believe in you

and it sucks

and i’m sorry

i’m sorry to my past self who made all her dreams come true by the time she was 26

i’m sorry i let you down the past two and a half years

i’m sorry i haven’t been able to figure it out

not in the way you thought or wanted

but i’m also not sorry

i’m also grateful

i understand that it takes a lot of time to grieve

i understand you were never built for change

i understand you struggle with endings

i understand you felt betrayed

i understand you felt overwhelmed with shame

i understand you wanted to die

i understand why you still want to die sometimes

i understand why you did what you did

i understand why you were scared

i understand why you were overwhelmed

i understand how hard it was for you

i understand ethan

i understand how painful that was for you too

i understand the combination of getting let go

and then him leaving you a year later

felt like there was no hope

felt like it was over

felt like everything you had worked for was worth nothing

felt like you lost your god

and your boy, your best friend, your man

your morning star

your compass

and i’m sorry you started to confuse the two

of course you did

ethan picked up where you let off god

and i’m sorry a year later

you lost both of them

at some point

at some point you had nothing

at some point it was just you

and the gray walls of your childhood bedroom

how lonely is that

to be on your own

without them

i’m sorry you were left in that classroom

i’m sorry you were left in the hallway

i’m sorry you were left with your students crying about their abusive parents

unable to know what to say

i’m sorry you were left on facetime

i’m sorry you were left on the phone

i’m sorry you saw him once and felt like you could almost call him home

i’m sorry everything has been struggle

of knowing what is wrong and what is right

i’m sorry you haven’t felt good about anything

i’m sorry there’s no song

i’m sorry you don’t hear the harmony anymore

i’m sorry about your house

i’m sorry about your car

i’m sorry you have all these dreams

and no one believes you’re going to reach them

i’m sorry sometimes i don’t even believe i am going to reach them

i’m sorry it’s a battle in your mind

i’m sorry you miss him half the time

and i’m sorry you miss god the other half

i’m sorry for the child in you

that was never watched over or taken care of

i’m sorry for failing to take care of you

i’m sorry for not being there for you

i’m sorry for struggling

just know

i’ve been here all along

i’ve never left you

and neither has god

even when things have gone quiet

even when things are dark

even when you feel very very far away

even when you don’t know if you’ll come to back yourself

i’m still here

i’ll always be

you and me and god

we’re all we’ve got

---

i hope god is there

i know god is there

even two years ago

when the people in the church failed me

when they betrayed me

when i had to break up with ethan

i wanted to blame god

pretend he wasn’t there

but i knew he was

even though i felt abandoned

i was never abandoned by his presence

i feel like satan wants us to believe we are alone

that we have no one

that god leaves us, that people leave us

and we will be miserable forever

that is his great lie, that we are all alone

but we’re not

we physically, literally and metaphorically are never alone

because of jesus christ

and because of god

there are a lot of things i’m great at in this life

and a lot of things i’m not great at

but one thing is for sure, my faith and belief in god has always been there

even in my lowest points

even when cody mack who i loved for five seconds

left the church and i had an existential crisis about the reality of it all

god called me

god kept calling me

god kept showing up

in ways i didn’t expect

and he keeps showing up in ways i don’t expect so i can’t deny him

i can write all poetically about it

i can say he left me out of anger and grief

but god’s never left me

he’s sitting with me in my bed right now

he’s urging me to write this

he’s proud of me for sharing

he’s hoping people don’t take when i talk about him leaving too seriously

because i am not being honest when i write that

he’s with me when i look in the mirror every day

he’s with me whenever i go on a first date

he’s with me when i brush my hair

he’s with me when i post on instagram

he’s with me when i talk to my parents

he’s with me when i cry about boys

he’s with me when i can’t cut through the noise

he never leaves me

and honestly, i don’t think he ever gets more silent or anything

if i don’t hear him, it’s me

if i don’t see him in the mirror, it’s me

if i’m scared and not acting in faith, it’s me

he’s there

his hand is outstretched

he’s always waiting for me to hold it

he’s always waiting to hug me

to let him carry the weight

and for me to stop trying to do it all on my own

he waits patiently for me

and he will wait an eternity for me

because he suffered for me

he died to help me get it right

and he will keep waiting for me forever

because he loves me

and i’ll keep trying to reach him

forever

because i love him

he loves me

i know he loves you too

i hope you feel him in the air today

i hope you feel him in the breeze today

he’s there

he’s the wind in your sails

the shoes on your feet

the air we breathe

the sun we seek

he wants you to feel him in the trees

he’s there

reach out to him

i promise he’ll pull you out of your deepest pit

i promise you’ll see miracles beyond your wildest dreams

his whole job

his whole purpose

is to save you, mend you, heal you, help you

love you

his job is to love you

and if you don’t feel that love in your life right now

i invite you to pray and ask him to feel it

i invite you to pray and ask who he is

i invite you to study the book of mormon: another testament of jesus christ

i invite you to study the bible

i invite you to go to church

i invite you to find him in all you do

as you look for him, your life will improve

the endings won’t feel like endings anymore

you’ll be able to heal and move on from things

you’ll be able to leave the restaurant

how do i know this?

because i’ve been there before and he’s helped me out of it

and even though i’m at a different one, i know he’s going to help me out of it

again and again and again

he’s going to take me to dinner somewhere else

he’s going to continue to help me live my wildest dreams

if i let him

i hope i will

i hope you will too

i love you. he loves you.

let’s choose god together, forever.

cheering for you always.

xoxo, han

me & my best friend, marisa lynn, second grade, 2003

---

---

A COUPLE BUSINESS ITEMS MY LOVES

• I am thinking of doing a monthly VIRTUAL gathering with the girls where we discuss whatever is on our hearts and how to better connect with God from that point!!! (kind of like a god girl book club)

  WHAT THIS WOULD LOOK LIKE: 60 ish minutes of

  • journaling time about current emotions/experiences

  • opportunity to share and be seen in your struggle/wins

  • a reading in the bible/book of mormon about how to find god in what we are experiencing

  • a little prayer or meditation at the end???

  WOULD YOU WANT TO DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT???

  I just want to make God real again and I miss being in group settings really studying about Him and connecting with Him in vulnerability and honesty

  LET ME KNOW IN THE COMMENTS/DMS/EMAIL - DON’T FORGET

“He that ascended up on high, as also he descended below all things, in that he comprehended all things, that he might be in all and through all things, the light of truth; Which truth shineth. This is the light of Christ.

As also he is in the sun, and the light of the sun, and the power thereof by which it was made. As also he is in the moon, and is the light of the moon, and the power thereof by which it was made; As also the light of the stars, and the power thereof by which they were made; And the earth also, and the power thereof, even the earth upon which you stand.

And the light which shineth, which giveth you light, is through him who enlighteneth your eyes, which is the same light that quickeneth your understandings; Which light proceedeth forth from the presence of God to fill the immensity of space—

The light which is in all things, which giveth life to all things, which is the law by which all things are governed, even the power of God who sitteth upon his throne, who is in the bosom of eternity, who is in the midst of all things.”

Doctrine & Covenants 88: 6-13 (AKA some of my favorite verses of scripture EVER)

ps. this is the genius song that i quoted at the beginning of my piece. please listen to it if you want your heart ripped out your chest

pps. lol, not a boy i thought i was going to love forever but found it funny how i had not one but two boys glue pictures of themselves in my yearbook LOL so here you go (this is symbolic of my life)

BYE BYEEEEE

1. oh! and here’s the link to that talk!

2. alma 7:11-13 and doctrine & covenants 19: 15-19 teach us this!