We Need to Change How We Talk About Marriage & Dating in the Church
a long overdue rant
Hello friends!
I wrote this piece back in 2023. I didn’t have a platform to share it back then, but the sentiment is still relevant and - I’ve seen a couple posts recently that have triggered my thoughts back on this topic. I’m very passionate about this subject so this won’t be the last time you hear about it from me :’)
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XOXO,
Han
Since moving back to Utah in October, I have had more conversations with people who have left the Church than I have ever had in my entire life.
I have also met more divorced men in their late twenties/early thirties than I’ve ever had in my entire life.
These two things might seem unrelated to each other and this article, but they are.
And we need to talk about it.
Part 1: My Personal Experience as a Young Single Adult in the Church
I love the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.
I know it’s led by God Himself and I will give my life to it.
But I am tired.
I am tired of the rhetoric that is carried in young single adult congregations about marriage.
I am tired of the continual emphasis on relationship status from local leaders and people who are 45 years or older in Utah Valley.
I am tired of the hundreds of insensitive and unsolicited comments my friends and I recieve from men & women who have no clue what it’s like to not be married or what it’s like to be a young adult in this generation.
Throughout my twenties, I’ve participated in young adult congregations in Arizona, Italy, California and Utah.
The main place I’ve received derogatory comments about my relationship status is from local leaders and others in the Church in Utah.
And it hasn’t just been one or two comments.
The five years I’ve lived in Utah have been filled with remarks from people who don’t seem to understand that just because my life looks differently than theirs, doesn’t mean it’s wrong.
I’ve spent my entire life cultivating a relationship with God and becoming my best self
I’ve kept a journal since I was 6
I’ve read the Book of Mormon pretty much every day since I was 16
I checked off all my dreams by the time I was 26
I’ve seen the most insane miracles and gained the strongest testimony
I taught seminary for a LIVING in UTAH (do you KNOW how competitive and hard it is to get that position????)
I’ve given the Book of Mormon to many of my celebrity crushes
I’ve sat and mourned with thousands of people in their pain
I’ve traveled and befriended thousands of people around the world and helped them feel God’s love
I actively serve the homeless
Pay my tithing
Attend the temple weekly
Help people get baptized
On paper, I’m doing everything “right”
(AND I KNOW GOD IS PLEASED WITH ME)
HOWEVER
None of that seems to matter to these people in the Church because I am not married!
I am sick of it.
(And I’m just one girl! I know SO MANY WELL ACCOMPLISHED AMAZING SINGLE WOMEN WHO HAVE DONE SO MUCH WITH THEIR LIVES AND ARE SHAMED BECAUSE THEY DON’T HAVE A PARTNER)
So
PSA for any member reading this:
This is not the Church of Marriage & Dating
It is the Church of Jesus Christ
(If Jesus wanted us to focus that much on marriage and dating, he would’ve named the church after it but, last time I checked - HE DIDN’T!)
Part 2: Misinterpretation of the doctrine of Christ & marriage is leading people away from the Church
Our cultural overemphasis on marriage is a gross misinterpretation of doctrine
Nowhere in the scriptures does it say:
Marriage is the only way you can be happy
You have to be married by a certain age
Something is wrong with you if you are not married
What the scriptures do say, over and over again is that Jesus Christ is the way, the truth and the life. Jesus Christ is the source of joy.
We receive joy from our relationships on earth but that should never and could never replace the joy that Jesus Christ gives.
The happy reality is we can obtain the greatest joy and abundance, regardless of our relationship status or ANYTHING for that matter, if we have a relationship with Jesus Christ.
Of course, having a relationship with Jesus Christ constitutes having loving relationships with others.
Of course, according to God’s doctrine, we eventually need to be married to become like our Heavenly Parents and receive all They have.
But again, nowhere does God say that needs to take place at a certain time.
And just like all parts of life, He is still going to bless us with joy and provide for us even if we don’t have a specific opportunity or blessing.
Life is all about not getting what we want and learning to wait on the Lord, why would this be any different?
A couple conferences ago, Elder Ballard pleaded with us to do better at including those who are single in church spaces and informed us that there are more members of the Church who aren’t married than are.1
We need to stop acting like this is not the reality.
We need to stop acting like people who aren’t married have a disease, need to be babied or aren’t adults “yet”
We need to stop acting like people who lead different lives from us are not as “good” or “righteous”
Because if we don’t, people are going to keep leaving.
Part 3: People are leaving because they feel like they don’t or can’t belong
More than ever before, people are looking for places to belong.
They are looking for places where they feel seen, heard and safe.
Gen Z as a whole is filled with more emotionally intelligent humans who are in tune with themselves and their needs than any generation prior.
They have a knack for compassion.
They will not tolerate disrespect.
They are actively looking for places where they feel seen, heard and safe. If they don’t feel that, they leave.
I believe this is especially important in regards to my friends in the Church in the LGBTQ+ community.
They already have so much to navigate being a member of a church that so deeply believes in the sanctity of marriage between a man and a woman and as part of a society that has historically abused them for who they are.
Although I do not believe the law of chastity will change, our attitude and language around these topics and with our friends desperately needs to be more inclusive.
This means preaching Jesus, not dating & marriage
This message is also important in regards to my friends who are divorced.
Like I said at the beginning, I have never met this many divorced young adult men in my life as I have the last couple months since moving back to Utah.
Half of them don’t go to church anymore.
The other half stopped going to church for a period of time and are either going consistently again or starting to make their way back.
Most of them, though, have struggled with deep shame that they’ve “failed” as a male member of the Church.
The idea of having to go back to a singles ward after being married seemed almost unbearable to them.
Not only that, but I’ve seen a trend in men my age who are still in the Church but growing resentful.
They grew up their whole lives being told their duty as a man of God is to marry and have a family, yet now they’re 27 - in a congregation with the bishop telling people for over the pulpit to go on a group date for the hundredth time
And nowhere close to being married for a few reasons but not because they are inherently worthless or lazy (as some members would say/think)
These men have based their whole major and career off the idea that by the time they were 23, they’d have a wife and baby on the way
But now they’re stuck in a job they don’t love with nothing to show for it - and instead of being able to go to church to find peace in God’s word, all they feel is shame from the leaders’ words.2
Regardless of why people are single in the Church - whether they are divorced, never married, identify as LGBTQ, etc, RELATIONSHIP STATUS IN THE CHURCH LITERALLY DOES NOT MATTER
What matters is, regardless of where we are at, we are all as individuals striving to follow Jesus and approaching Him with the things that bring us pain and allowing Him to transform our hearts so we can love ourselves and everyone around us
AND EVEN IF WE ARE NOT ACTIVELY SEEKING THAT, GOD STILL LOVES US AND DOESN’T SHAME US SO WE SHOULD FOLLOW SUIT
Conclusion: Church needs to be ABOUT JESUS
I’m not trying to say I am perfect at not judging people or that I don’t ever say insensitive comments because I have and I will.
But I am saying we need to do better as members when addressing this topic and ALL topics with compassion.
For the sake of the Church as a whole and for the sake of the body of Christ.
It is our responsibility as members of the church of Jesus Christ to make this space as safe and loving as possible.
Church is supposed to be about worshiping Jesus Christ.
It’s about coming together to accept Him, His sacrifice and each other.
It’s about being vulnerable and sharing our struggles so we can strengthen each other through the Spirit and His word.
It is not about ostracizing people who have different experiences. It is not about shaming them.
I plead with leaders of young adult congregations & married church members to stop talking about dating and marriage like it’s the first commandment.
I plead with you to not judge and find empathy in your hearts for the members of your congregation. I plead with you to actually LISTEN and open your hearts to what we are saying (and not saying).
I hope and pray that we can lead our congregations with more love, empathy, understanding and compassion. We are called to be like Him and to treat each other as He would.
I hope we all try to be a little more like Him.
I know He will bless us immensely if we do.
XOXO, Han
Of course, I’ve seen this resentment and anger in women also - but at this time, I had just met a ton of divorced men who had left the church/were floating - so I needed to write about it. I do think there are a ton more reasons why men have in general checked out of life generally, but I don’t care to write about that here. I also think, men and women both have become very fearful when it comes to dating (for a variety of very valid reasons) which presents a dating crisis for everyone. However, I will say - the increase in emotional intelligence and ability to provide for themselves as women has shifted their expectations for a man to be an actual equal partner and not just a “provider.” Therefore, women like me and my friends (and every amazing woman I know) is seeking a man who is not just competent in the workplace, but also emotionally, which I do feel like a lot of men are struggling to/refusing to meet that challenge.
LOVE this! So many good points, so needed!